Creating Confidence for Critical Conversation
Last night I got a call from Bharat, a second generation member of promoter family (4 founder brothers in 1st generation having 3 sons in 2nd generation). All seven members were active in business. They had few businesses, including a listed company. Their combined businesses were worth couple of thousand crores. The four brothers in 1st generation had worked hard to create the business from scratch. The three sons in 2nd generation had also contributed in varying degrees to the success of business. As it happens in many Indian families, the ownership share of family members was not clearly discussed. Majority of the family members expected that either ownership of the business would be equally divided amongst the 4 brothers in first generation or amongst the 7 male members.
While their businesses were doing well, Bharat shared the family was caught in the midst of a very difficult challenge. He feared drastic negative consequences, both for the family and business. His cousin, Sanjeev – the eldest in 2nd generation, who was older to his 2 cousins by 7 & 12 years respectively and whose business division had performed best amongst all, was demanding highest share in business, more than even the 4 brothers in 1st generation.
Everybody in the family, including Sanjeev’s father felt that his demand was unjust. Sanjeev was adamant. The conversations around this point had created lot of feelings of unfairness, pain and anger. There was fear that this would have huge negative impact, both on the family and business. As the positions hardened, there was stalemate around the issue and people didn’t know how to deal with this situation.
Last week, the family discovered that Sanjeev had, enhanced his ownership stake in the business that he was controlling, without seeking consent of anyone in the family. This had added fuel to the already raging fire of emotions. Bharat, during his call shared that a meeting was called next day amongst all seven family members and he feared strong arguments and counter arguments and that things may spiral out of hands of everyone.
The conversation with Bharat, triggered in my mind a situation few days ago that I had experienced in my family. Aashna, my 10-year old daughter, breaking family rule of taking consent of her mother, had eaten a big chocolate. Shalu, my wife was angry, she felt Aashna was being irresponsible, needs to be disciplined and wanted to scold her. However, another part in her was restraining her. Thanks to some of her learnings in the field of effective parenting, she was aware of the risks of expressing unbridled anger. She wanted to not damage, and instead strengthen her relationship.
With a little bit of effective communication between me and Shalu wherein we discussed as to what do we want our child to learn and then how can we consciously inculcate the same, she realized that neither she should ignore nor blow up the incident. Instead, she needs to have effective conversation with Aashna and make this difficult situation as an opportunity to learn and strengthen the relationship. She asked Aashna questions such as does she think what she did was right? Did she know why the chocolate was bought? With little practice and patience, Shalu could do a good job.
Bharat, also felt empowered listening to this incident. He too realized that his cousin has made a mistake. He said that a cornered cat also needs to be given an escape route otherwise it will attack. He felt a lot confident going into the meeting next day.
Strengthening the skills of balanced communication is key to success, it takes ongoing dedicated efforts.